Life is lovely! I try and I try and I try to become positive when I am down. I have my periods of sadness and over analysing and feeling that everything is and was and always will be crap, but I do try my best to get over it. Just 2 days ago I started to feel a bit more settled and I decided that I need to live in the moment more. If I am having a good day and another person (be it a friend or a "friend") shares some time with me, then great! I will enjoy that day and that person for what I had with them in the moment and not care so much about who will be there for me tomorrow. I decided to make my life happier by consciously turning off some of my emotions and some of my over-active brain. I believe I can do that and that it will help me to feel happier in the moment and perhaps that will bring forward some longer term positive change in my life.
So then after I have had this conclusion and realised that I need to stop expecting more from the people in my life, the moment I start to think I will just enjoy what I have and relax, negativity starts to enter my life again! WHY?
My friend who I care about deeply finally contacts me with some bad news and intimated that we should talk. I fear I will be hurt with what he has to say, but I will push those fears and negative thoughts away and focus on positive thoughts. It is amazing how much happier I became just with the knowledge that I will be seeing him soon. I do not want to lose that little glimmer of happiness. I will focus on being happy that I will see him, talk and laugh with him. I will ignore my brain in trying to read between the lines and contemplating what dreadful things he may say and I will not presume that the outcome of our visit will be heartbreak. I will only focus on the happiness of seeing him when I open the door and forget everything else because there is no way of knowing what will happen until it happens.
Later that day my 14 year old daughter comes home only to off load a lot of negative energy and feeling unto me about the start of school. She was nearly in tears a few times. It was non stop: people don't like me, my friends are not in the same classes, the head of year scared us with how hard this year will be and expectations are high, I am obsessed with my breathing and if I can not hear myself breathing then I start hyperventilating, I am nauseous all the time, my stomach always hurts, I always have headaches, I was light-headed because I could hardly eat my carrot sticks at lunch, I hate my mutilated feet, I do not know how to talk to people, I am worried about finding work experience because we know no one, I do not like my teachers.......Later itt was painful to sit with her at dinner, all hunched downwards, meekly holding her food, head down, no conversation! What did I do wrong? How can I help? What can help? Why do ALL my children have issues? I screwed them all up! It is all on my shoulders.....STOP! I tried talking to her, it did no good, I excused her from the table when she was finished and hoped for better days! I can only hope for better days, be here for her to vent and suggest things and offer outside help.
Those were yesterday's little attempts to draw me into my over analytical mind that usually causes me distress. Today also had it's pull towards my racing mind with the endless question of "why". I spoke to my son at about 10 am and instead of the usual groggy voice of someone who rarely gets out of bed before the afternoon, I was getting with a very alert and energised voice. I first thought that is because he had an early morning appointment that I may have interrupted. So I proceeded to ask my son if I was interrupting anything. No, no, he is at home , he has been up all night cleaning, thanks to a little help he had. I know what that means, so I asked him OK then, what drugs did you take,
I was correct, his help was something known as ethylphenidate https://www.drugs-forum.com/forum/showwiki.php?title=Ethylphenidate This was my son's "free gift" when ordering a large amount of etizolam https://www.erowid.org/pharms/etizolam/ Oh, what a nice website offering free gifts! Apparently my son received his benefit money Wednesday and he went to a lovely little Polish shop to buy his 95% Spiritus which if you look at the link it says, " the strongest spirit on the commercial market. Alcohol at this strength can be very dangerous if consumed to excess" http://www.thewhiskyexchange.com/P-9042.aspx as well a six pack of beer before going to the library to use the computers and stumble upon the great deal (free gift) that was on offer with his favourite website for order his drugs!
Needless to say my son spent all of his benefit money on that day and since he only gets money every two weeks, I am sure I will get the "take pity on me" attempts for money and/or shopping!
What baffles me is that he has done this after a trip to the emergency room the day before and he is not worried about his health. Well F*** ME, of course he is not! He is an ADDICT! He even said that as long as he has "problems" that he can only survive through with the aid of a "crutch" then so be it, it is not a bad thing because he is able to get by. Well I wanted to ask and I did that how is he really going to deal with the underlying peoples while using these "crutches" because the crutch negates the underlying issues that stops you from moving forward!? He had no answer, he merely focused on how great it is that he is buzzing on this research chemical he is consuming because his flat was a disaster and needed cleaning up because the management was on his case about it! The chemical is similar to Ritalin and the effects have been compared to cocaine so he has managed to stay awake, be motivated and energised! "Great stuff kiddo, proud of you for getting your flat cleaned up! Oh you took drugs to do it? That is ok, the main thing is you sorted out a problem that is a priority at the moment" OH, can you believe this is what my son thinks is the appropriate response when telling me about the crutch he used to get things done!?
Then started the insistent demands of when he could come over and "sorting out" his stuff so that he can sell them.Today? Tomorrow? "No? Why, what do you have to do?". He needs to sell stuff to have more money. More money to do what, well of course, buy more drugs and alcohol! No thanks! Then this led us down the road of "well whose fault is all of this anyway?".Oh, if only there was a drug to help the addict see the truth to these types of questions as well as the questions of "how do I make my life better?" (not by taking more drugs).
Well I hung up the phone in the end. I will not take such abusive and negativity. I will not allow him to call the shots. I will not listen to his self destructive beliefs and actions. I will not be weighed down by his negativity. I will immediately cleanse myself of these triggers into self destructive thoughts by purging them into this blog post and move on with my day with a smile on my face. I will not spend the day worrying about my son's health and the dangerous game he is playing with his body. I will not become overly sentimental and gloomy that come Monday my friendship with this man, who I do believe to be a good a good friend, will come to an end and feeling rejected as always. I will also not spend my day wondering what I have contributed to my daughter's unhealthy self beliefs and fears and irrational anxieties. I have acknowledge all these events to be true, but also beyond my power at the moment to change them, so I will be positive that life is essentially good and I can have a good future and so can my children and I will hope that these positive feelings and thoughts will lead me to more positive solutions and ideas....or maybe that is Bullshit, but hey, it is better than being down, right?